Hope and Healing

Hope is a tricky thing. I have always known that I am a pessimist (although I would rather call myself a "realist," as most negative people say!). And for some reason, I have always struggled with hope. It carries so much risk for me. Hope means there stands a very real chance that I will fall on my face with disappointment.

Luckily, I know that there is One Hope, that does not disappoint. And I chose to put my trust in Him. But honestly, I still struggle with the little aspects of hope. The daily choices and decisions. Do I hope my husband gets a job? Do I hope I get to buy the house I want? Do you hope your child gets well quickly when they are sick? Do I hope I get hours with Adelle instead of minutes, or that her delivery will go quickly, or that God will orchestrate the events so that her grandparents will get to hold her while she is still alive? What do I risk hoping in, and risk being disappointed with? Isn't it better to just be realistic and put off hoping at all? I guess it is often times easier to hope on a larger scale, than it is to hope for small things.

On that note, I have been receiving some feedback lately from various people about why Jason and I haven't been praying (or hoping) for Adelle to be healed. Let me warn you first of all, that I am no theologian. (Sorry Dad) These thoughts are just what Jason and I are experiencing...and I am not always sure of their Biblical soundness.

Jason and I consider ourselves (somewhat) well read and educated on the disorder we are dealing with. In fact, you could say it falls smack into my area of specific training and "expertise." (using that word VERY lightly, of course, as I am NO expert at all) And I know that anencaphalic babies will not survive. Education and science teach us that humans cannot live without brain tissue to manage all the body systems. Since the very beginning, I have not questioned this at all. Adelle will die, the question is merely how much brain tissue she will develop, and whether the amount she has will keep her alive for minutes, hours, or days.

That being said, I do NOT question God's ability to heal her. Trust me, if he can part the seas, raise people from the dead, and forgive my sins, healing my daughter would be a piece of cake for Him. So the question is, how do you combine your trust that God is all powerful and capable to heal, with your belief that it won't happen? Why would He not do it, if it was just that easy?

Here is the part where I may be on shaky theological ground. But, it is what is in my heart right now, and I want to try to explain it, if I can.

I believe God wants us to live in the world. What do I mean? I think He asks us to live in this world that we (cause you know as well as I do that you would have eaten the fruit too) created. And unfortunately this world involves pain, disease, discomfort, disappointment, and sin. It cannot be avoided or erased. And God doesn't chose to rescue us from all of it's consequences. And Adelle's disorder, is a consequence of this world. Spontaneous genetic mutations happen. God will someday create a new world for us, but for now, He asks us to live within the constraints of our current environment. And quite frankly, it often sucks.

And I know I might be treading on thin ground as it is, but I am even going to go so far as to say... that I think God is more interested in our reactions to the events in our life, than with the actual events themselves. That is not to say the circumstances we face in our life are not important. They are. And God can (and does) intervene to change those circumstances at times. But, I think He desires more for us to react to our life and the things that happen to us in a way that promotes our growth, promotes Truth, and glorifies Him. And perhaps (although who can ponder the mind of God?) that is why He chooses to leave us in our unpleasant circumstances, and instead teach us to react with trust, grace, and reliance on Him. Let's just say that the longer I work on my salvation with "fear and trembling" the more God seems to change in me the desire to be "rescued" from life's unpleasant circumstances, and instead teaches me to focus on how I need to be dealing with them. Prayer requests become more about my heart and attitude, and less about changing the circumstances. My concentration seems that it ought to be how to change my heart, and not how to change my world. Perhaps a changed person is a bigger miracle than a changed circumstance?

So, although I think God is capable, with a mere wisp of his hand to create brain tissue from nothing, and completely heal Adelle, I do not think He will. (hoping lightening isn't going to strike soon.) I think He is asking Jason and I to live within this world and trust Him even while we are hurting and grieving. I think He is asking us turn our broken hearts towards Him, rest in Him, and understand that He loves us and has a plan for us, despite the fact that life is not going as we would choose, and that our daughter will not have the life we hoped for her.

Do I ever hope that He will heal her? I guess at times, you could say I wonder... I wonder what His plan is. I wonder what I am supposed to learn from this. I wonder what in my heart needed to be changed so badly that it took something this hard to shed light on it. I wonder why He chose me to carry her for such a short time, on such a long road. But my hope is not dependent on her miraculous recovery. My hope remains embedded in a Person. The one Person I know loves my daughter more than I do, despite what emotions and events are happening.

And lastly, let me say this. Adelle will be healed. God will make her whole. He will end her suffering, and make her life longer than we ever thought possible. I just have to wait until Heaven to see it.