Lately, you could say that this blog has often my toilet. I tend to get caught up in daily life...work, the boys, the house, dinner, church, etc. and let the things I am dealing with just swirl about me. I see them, and can even reach out and feel them, but I don't participate with them until they have grown so large that I can no longer handle them. Then, one tiny thing sets me off....and the emotions come tumbling out, destroying all in their wake. My poor husband has been dealing with this lovely trait in me since we met, but perhaps in smaller scale. But now, he has been stretched even more so as he deals with unexpected and violent feelings from seemingly no where.
Liken this habit to that of food poisoning. It is like an emotion lives in me, growing, rotting, becoming more consuming. It stays down for a while, as I am just too busy to feel the slight waves of nausea coming. But, my heart, in an attempt to understand this new idea or feeling in me, eventually must deal with it. And when the emotions come, they come hard, passionate, sincere, and as deep as I have ever felt anything before in my life. And depending on what is happening around me their outlet changes. It can be a vent session to friends or family, crying hysterically to nobody in particular, journaling, or yes, you guessed it...blogging!
Although this habit might seem alarming to all you who stew at home examining things over and over, worrying, and exploring your thoughts...the "vomit" technique has some wonderful side effects. (Forget about the fact it is very messy and often horrible to watch or listen to for anyone within hearing distance.) It leaves me feeling clean and purged. And once I am free to unleash whatever is going on inside of me, it lessons the hurt, pain, and discomfort that I often didn't realize was inside me. And it lets me now examine out in the day light the things that were hiding inside. I can sort, understand, and write about something that previously felt confused and awkward. I guess, after the process is all done, I tend to know myself, my emotions, and my hurts pretty well. And it feels wonderful to have it out in the open. And often, that emotion no longer controls me or has much presence in my life.
So, take heart dear blog readers, friends, family, (and random strangers who by some horrible luck stumble upon this rambling blog), the things you read here are temporary. These posts I write with deep pain and passion, are merely a process for me. And often, because the world saw fit to give me my own little corner of cyber-space to vent upon, I leave feeling refreshed. I feel honest. I feel good.
So do not imagine me in this life, constantly weeping for myself and this place I find my family. These feelings I have are most definitely real, but they do not consume me night and day. These posts are mere moments. Fleeting moments. Moments dispersed between pure joy, contentment, understanding, and peace.
Just try not to take it personally that I enjoy vomiting upon you so much!
5 comments:
Ah, Mary...leave it to you to describe this in such a vivid way! :) I have a bit of this in me too, so I completely understand this way of dealing with things. I have loved your blog, no matter what you have shared here and I think it is cathartic to write it all out.
I don't mind you vomiting on my anytime, just please make sure my mouth is closed! I am glad your feelings come out as vomit, diaherra would be alot worse!
Okay, I get it. We do tend to be at complete opposite ends of the spectrum in this regard. I appreciate you for your way of doing it, though. Heck, I just appreciate you period. You did an excellent job of explaining it in this post. Kudos on another well-written entry!
I, too, am a verbal vomitter. It's nice to know that someone can be there and hold your hair back so you don't get all messy in the process.
Hang in there, you're doing awesome. Blessings!
Vomit away.
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