A Couple of Hours to Cry

I have had an interesting realization in the last couple of days. Jason is out of town, and my mom and sister have been staying with me. It is has been wonderful to have their help and support. But for the last 3-4 days I feel like there have been all kinds of emotions and trains of thought building up inside me. I have been putting off dealing with them, enjoying the distraction.

I guess I feel like they built up enough, that I asked my mom and sister to do some hanging out at my Mom's house today (and take my kids) so I could have some time to process some of the things. It is a weird feeling knowing only the VERY tip of things floating around in your head, and merely pushing them aside. I didn't even know exactly what the thought patterns were, or how deep they went, only that they seemed to keep popping up in my head. But, caught up in life, diaper changes, meals, groceries, discipline, fights, naps, bath time, swimming, and everything else, I just put them away. I didn't allow myself to engage with them.

Distraction is a two headed monster. I long for it. I want life to just push me along, so I don't have to land daily in the sorrow. And yet, if you allow enough distraction, you begin to feel empty, fake, and overwhelmed with all the things you are avoiding. I think that is where I found myself today.

And do you know what I discovered? What I have been avoiding? My fear. The last week I have been dealing with everything I can do to be proactive, decisive, and prepared. What I didn't allow myself to deal with...the loss. Not just the loss of my daughter....that is unavoidable. But everything else that entailed. I was scared to see and feel the depth of it. It was easier to make tons of decisions, try to prepare myself to have everything I will need to get beautiful pictures of her when she is born, to be consumed with finding her the perfect one outfit and hat, planning doctors visits, sonograms, maternity pictures, and soaking in every minute I will have with her once she is born. I wanted to set up the perfect situation (well, as perfect as it can be considering the situation) to meet her and say goodbye. But I never let myself get beyond her birth and death. I never considered life after.

Today, I let myself go there. And...it wasn't pretty, but it was cathartic in some way. I let myself mourn every detail I would lose.

No maternity leave. No new baby during the holidays. No precious breastfeeding moments between her and I in the middle of the night. No little cooing noises as she sleeps in the bassinet next to me. No pink clothes. No cute bows or hats. No need to get a bigger, family car. No need for the baby car seat. No need to figure out how to shuffle the boys sleeping arrangements so she can go to the nursery. No new, girly sling, so it will be easier to get around with three little people. No new family portraits, or precious 6 week old pictures. No waiting to see what kind of nick-names we can make out of Adelle. No chance to use that name for a living, breathing child. No needing to learn how to french braid hair. No lacy dresses or clips or Easter dresses. No prom, no mom and daughter shopping trips, no beautiful wedding dress. There will be nothing. Nothing but one box of memories and pictures. The house, though filled with rambunctious boys, will feel empty of one precious girl.

We will have a gap between our children we never wanted. We always wanted them to be close in age so they could play together. I will have every pain and discomfort of post partum, without something to make it worth it. I will always have to decide what to tell people when they ask me how many children I have. I will have to decide if she will be buried or cremated. I will have to decide if we want some kind of service/funeral. And I will have to plan it if we do. I will have to eat when I don't want to. I have to answer the famous question, the question I have no idea how to answer at all. "How are you doing?" I will have to decide how and when to tell my children why they don't have a little sister. I will have to see the girl clothes, over on the other side of the store, as I shop for my boys. I will have to wonder if I will ever have a little girl to take home and love for more than a couple of hours. My arms will be empty of a newborn.

I know this post is long, sad and depressing. But I promise I feel like I have been coping well, handling life. But today, while sitting in my large empty, quiet house I just had to go there. To let every thought come. Every disappointment, every loss, and every new reality. I needed to just sit, and acknowledge them. I will not land here long, I have too much in my life to be grateful for and to love. But today, today, I just needed to cry. To stop avoiding, and just purposefully engage with every heartbreaking reality. Thankfully, I was not really alone. I distinctly felt Someone crying with me, holding me. Grieving, loving, and healing.

Things I know...

These are things I know, right now.

1. I am tired. I feel tired, old and weary, despite the amount of sleep I am getting.

2. God is loving, circumstances do not change that. And He is weeping with me.

3. I could no do this without my wonderful husband beside me, grieving, and holding me.

4. Adelle remains fearfully and wonderfully made.

5. I never know how I am going to feel from one moment to the next.

6. Life goes on. There are still dirty diapers to be changed, and dishes to be done.

7. God is capable of healing, but he asks us to live in a world that includes fetal anomalies.

8. Adelle is active. Her kicking makes me happy and sad at the same time.

9. I don't know what to tell people when they ask to do something to help. I can't think of anything they can do, but wish I could.

10. Just about all music makes me cry.

11. One moment I think I cry too much, and the next, not enough.

12. I feel guilty when I get caught up with the boys or laugh and forget to be sad.

13. We have wonderful friends and family, loving and praying for us.

14. I still am not sure how much I want to talk with people about this.

15. We will make it through this.

16. We WILL love Adelle for whatever time we have her, and treasure her memory, pictures, and name forever.

Just about everything else is a blur.

News?

How do you tell people bad news? Do you go round about, and try to work the news into the normal conversation? Do you cut to the chase, be blunt, and just get it out on the table?

I must admit, I am not sure about how to do this. I feel like I come across too emotional, or not emotional enough. Too blunt, or too fake (while attempting to get to the "news"). Too informational, or not enough information. And the shear amount of times you have to tell the story, re-living it, the presentation of the news gets more awkward. (for me) It seems I change my delivery every time, hoping it will get better, and it just doesn't.

Maybe that is why they call it bad news. Is there a way to properly tell people? Do you call people out of the blue to let them know, or wait until they call you so you can just "mention" it during the conversation? Is a mass email totally uncouth and impersonal? Do you let other people pass the news on for you, so you just don't have to tell the story one more time?

Like I said, I still haven't figured it all out. I hope people give grace, because I am not sure I am doing this well.

There is a time...

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die...

a time to tear down and a time to build...

a time to weep...

a time to embrace...

to search...

to be silent...

and to love.

(paraphrased) Ecclesiastes 3:16

Same or Different?

When you are pregnant with your first child, you cannot imagine what they will be like. Then, they come, and after months (or if you are more normal, not like us, possibly more like years) you become pregnant with your second child. It is just about IMPOSSIBLE to imagine that your second child will be different. You spend your days thinking that you will have another just like your first.

Then, they arrive. And.....they couldn't be more different! I had no idea what I was in for with my second child. How could they be so different when they came from the same two people, and were raised in the same household, right? Well, this answers the age old questions: innate or environment? In some ways, my kids are so much alike, but in MOST ways, they are polar opposites. It is quite humorous for Jason and I now to compare the two. Here are some examples of what I am talking about:

Discipline:

With Charlie it is a long, drawn out battle...usually involving multiple spankings, warnings, crying fits, and screaming dramatics. We might win the war, but Charlie makes sure everyone fighting has the war wounds.

With Max, you merely reprimand him, look at him crossly, and he obeys. He might give you a little "mad look" and possibly a little attitude, but he obeys.

Swimming:

Charlie is hesitant, scared, and unsure. If you push the issue, then he cries and eventually the crying will turn to fits. If you carry him into the deeper water, he will become a stiff board, legs wrapped securely around you so that no human strength can remove him.

Max, after being placed into the float, gets completely relaxed, and looks like he might fall asleep. He reclines back, resting his head on the back of the float, and just stares into the sky.

Fits:

Charlies main technique involves lying face down, screaming, crying, and then screaming some more. There is usually kicking, and quite frankly, don't get close, he might kick or hit you with more strength than you imagine from his little body. It is best to leave him alone, let him have his emotional outlet, and address the problem when he is calmer. We often say, "You can throw a fit, but you need to go to your room, and when you can be sweet you can come out." He usually complies, but it could be 30 minutes later, with some damage to repair...

Max merely puts his head down on the carpet, is silent, then roles to his back and stares at the ceiling. It is the "quiet rebellion" or more commonly coined the "limp noodle" technique.

Naps:

When Charlie is ready to wake up, it is usually with crying, but always with some sort of noise. If he wakes up in a good mood, he won't cry but he will stand at his door (remember, I am the cruel mom who locks her kids into their rooms at night) and demands his breakfast choices. "Mom!!!! I want waffles!!!"

I am sorry to say that Max spends much more time in his crib, merely because I forget to check on him, and often he is just playing. His pacifier is firmly in place, and he is just playing with his blanket and stuffed moose. Often, he is pointing to items in the room he recognizes.

Food/Eating:

For Charlie, eating is done because we make him do it. He derives some pleasure in it I am sure, but he doesn't make that too known. He eats what he must. We often "negotiate" with him, telling him to get more of what he wants, he must eat a certain number of bites of the veggies. It is very often a battle, and some times we get tired and just let him eat while running around the kitchen.

For Max, eating is serious business. All fun stops and eating commences. He pretty much eats whatever you put in front of him...and in large quantities. He is definitely the chunkier of the two boys!

Play:

Charlie plays intensely. He does what he does with concentration and skill. He rarely likes to be disturbed. We are learning to "share" although it is a huge sacrifice, and if he is forced to share, he often chooses not to play at all.

Max is a bully. If he wants something, he merely walks up to Charlie, takes it, and walks away...often leaving Charlie in a ball of tears and frustration.

Love:

Charlie is a tender-hearted and sweet child. He will often come to you without warning, hold your face, and say "I love you, Mommy." He gives kisses freely, and loves to hug and cuddle. He loves with his whole heart and with sincerity.

Max, on the other hand, is a giant goofball. Kisses are not soft or sweet, but are usually gooey and slobbery. His new thing as of late is to merely replace a kiss with a stong Zerbert (sp?). He loves to laugh and joke, and would rather play a rousing game of peek-a-boo instead of have a tender moment.

So now, we are content to just sit back and see what in the world this third child could be like? More like Max, or Charlie? Emotional or objective? Funny or serious? Only time will tell, but I can assure you of this...it won't be what we expect!

Summer Haircuts

Every summer we cut everyone's (excluding Mom's) hair short for the summer. It is SOOO much easier to take care of! Of course, my little, skinny, blond headed children often end up looking like cancer patients or little Neo-Nazi's....oh well. On a sad note, Max's hair was starting to curl in the back and look so cute, *sigh,* I miss it already.

While the boys are away, Mommy will....get LOTS done!

This last weekend the boys went on a camp out with PawPaw and Daddy. All boys. I was hoping they would have a good time, but knew in the back of my head that Daddy was slightly nervous about the sleeping arrangements and handling of two in diapers.

I think they had a good time. Except...all the blankets, night time stuffed animals, and pacifiers were forgotten. They didn't bring any toys (only bikes, frisbees, and balls). And everyone under 3 was WAY off their schedule. Needless to say, Charlie slept really well with Daddy in a tent and his own big boy sleeping bag (without pacy)! And Max fell asleep in his pack 'n play in the motorhome while the others played outside and ate icecream. But, after coughing for 20 minutes straight was snatched into the queen size bed by my father (no surprise there!) and curled up for the rest of the night with PawPaw. I think they had a good time, but were also ready to return. I think the biggest challenge was a one year old who wanted to be mobile, but wasn't as steady on his feet as he thought he was. The outdoor terrain was rough...hence the black eye when he returned! Take a look at some of the pictures Jason snapped...

While the boys were away, I tried to have a little fun, and get something done! It is so much nicer to try to do little projects without little people trying to "help!" So, I spent ALL DAY Saturday painting our sadly delapedated master bathroom cabinets. We have been working on this room slowly, over the last two years. We took down wallpaper and textured the first summer, and now that the cabinets are (mostly) done, Jason will change out fixtures and the shower door and we will have the luxury bath we always dreamed of!

Before...complete with ugly shower door and sad faded cabinets and make you dizzy wallpaper...



This summer all we need are the new faucets, new shower door, paint...and some decorations! But the cabinets make a huge difference!