Not Me! Monday

Join me in confessing the things we did not do over the last week:

1. I did not actually yell at a funeral home planner over the phone on Monday! I was not so angry and upset with the place where they bury their infants because it is right next to a very large, busy road, with no trees, no fence separating you from the road, and no privacy at all. I most certainly did not tell her that their infant plots are a giant scam because they specifically put the infants in the place where no person would ever want to bury a loved one, just so they can charge way more for the nicer plots. And I did not tell her they do that specifically because those who lose infants usually don't have life insurance, and no money, so we really have no choice but to bury our babies in the most horrible place they picked for us. And I did not actually tell her that it was so close to this busy road that I would most likely get hit by a car during the graveside service. She then did not proceed to tell me multiple times that they really don't make any money on infant burials at all. Really? She most certainly did not just throw that in my face, especially since it is NOT TRUE! I did not then proceed to yell further to this poor woman and threaten to go some other place and tell everyone how horrible this place is, and then hang up on her! I would never lose my patience like that with someone who really has no say in the plot locations or prices, and was really just trying to help me!

2. I did not actually jump for joy (literally) and dance and scream that BOTH my boys ate fruit for lunch today. It was not followed very shortly after with maternal guilt and fear because the fruit was strawberries and my 16 month old just ate about 4! I did not then watch him very closely, monitoring his pulse and skin color for an allergic reaction!

3. While shopping for my daughters burial gown, I did not lie to the sales lady about the purpose of the dress, just because I was so tired of telling people the real reason we were shopping, and having to look at their faces of surprise, guilt, then sympathy. I did not tell her it was "for pictures," and then try to justify it to myself that "it was partially true."

4. I did not actually write in the comments of another woman's blog something completely

'inappropriate. I was not so tired of hearing this particular person complain about having to deal with an illness in her child that I actually wrote, "at least your child is alive...we would love to

have more time with our daughter, even if it were in a PICU." I was not then completely filled with regret, because I too would have a hard time dealing with a sick child.

5. And lastly, I did not tell Jason to cancel his credit card after giving the number to a completely stupid A/C repair man who came out, couldn't tell what was wrong with our system, and did not fix it at 10pm at night. And I did not write a letter to the corporate office of said company telling them how horrible this guy was and how we want a refund. The manager did not then call me promptly on Monday morning and tell me he was sorry, and was not charging the credit card. I now do not have to go get a new card set up because I was so distrusting that I just assumed they would never refund us. That is not now a huge hassle that is all my fault!

It was obviously a week where I had absolutely no anger issues or problems holding my tongue!! How about you? What did you no do last week?

World War III

I am seriously, seriously, SERIOUSLY tired of food battles.

I am a fairly middle of the road mom. I let my kids indulge occasionally, but by no means do I feel that we have a let them eat junk their whole lives. And yet, here I am, globally complaining that my kids are not eating anything I want them to!

When they were little, we made their own baby food. I ground fresh veggies and fruit (and even meals and meat) and froze it. And because of that (I think, although now I realize it could have been dumb luck) they transitioned so well to eating freshly steamed veggies and raw fruit.

But all has changed in our household. My (almost) 3 year old has put a general hiatus on all food, it seems. The rule (borrowed from my childhood) is that everyone must eat at least as many bites as age they are of EVERY food on their plate. So Charlie knows he must eat two bites (he has no idea it is about to be 3!) of every food, despite his personal preference. But let me tell you, it is World War III to get him to do that. In the beginning, it took a little bargaining ("If you eat XX, then you can have more XXXX.") Not so anymore. Now it is a rip-roaring battle, which includes screaming, crying, throwing food, and complete refusal to eat.

And quite frankly, I am done. Finished. TIRED of this! So, I just take the food down, put the child on the floor, and reassure him that he will no longer have the option of eating until the next meal. No snack, no milk. Only water. And the most frustrating thing about this is...he is OK with it!!! He merely smirks at me, says, "OK" and precedes to go play.

Max on the other hand, being only 16 months is trending way to close to his brother for my comfort. One day he eats something, the next day he hates it. I never know what to give him from one moment to the next. I am not sure how to pursue the "you must eat it" route with him, because he doesn't get it! So again, I just take the food, remove him from the table, and withhold food until the next meal.

Both of them are regularly missing at least one meal a day. Charlies record is to only eat breakfast and nothing else the rest of the day.

I never thought I would be here. I never thought I would have children that refused all meat, veggies, and fruit...only to eat any bread product, sugar product, processed snack food or chip, cheese, or milk. I read one too many blogs of mom's who post recipes of things their kids "just love." And I swear if the next one includes organic anything, raw flax seed oil, or veggies and hummus, I might kill someone.

So here, on my blog, for God and everyone to read (well, not everyone, just my 2-4 followers...) I apologize. Yes, Mom's, friends, strangers, EVERYONE who I might have verbally (or just mentally) criticized for your children's poor eating habits. I am sorry. I had it easy when my kids were young. Now...well, now I know. I judged those Mom's whose children were stuffing chicken nuggets, cookies, and fruit snacks in their mouths faster than their mom's could get them out of the fast food bag. But now, sadly, I am one of you. I don't know how I got here. I gave them veggies. I make homemade food, casseroles, veggies, and salads. But alas, they are winning.

And quite frankly, I am ready to let them starve for a couple of days, clean the slate, and try again. But, somehow, I don't think it will help. I feel the troops retreating inside me. And I feel the urge to just buy the pop tarts, the sugary cereal, the snacks. Just to avoid the battle...

And, if you are one of those mom's whose kids eat all organic, please, please don't tell me. I might have to kill you out of pure jealousy.

One Dress

We bought our daughters burial gown today. It has been one of the harder days since this process began. The entire day was wrapped up in the future. The empty, hard, inevitable future.

And we found ourselves stumbling; every decision laced with indecision. Is this one perfect? What about the next shop? What if we find one better? We only have one. One dress to put our little girl in. Not a closet full of pink, purple, ruffles, and lace. Just one. And no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't make a decision. Thankfully, my husband gracefully came beside me, guiding my thoughts, narrowing the choices, until we found it. Classic, white, feminine, simple. The dress she will run around Heaven in. The outfit she will be wearing when I get to hold her all for eternity.

Shoes, blanket, bonnet, and bracelet. Just a couple more things, and I will feel like we are ready. Done. No more list hanging over my head, forcing my thoughts from her pleasant kicking and hiccups to the day we will lose her. I think I will feel better having everything I need gathered together.

It is hard to focus on the present, enjoying her, taking in the life she has, when I know I have to plan ahead. I am hoping that having most of this out of the way will free us to stop focusing on Adelle's future, and love and bond with her now.

I can't imagine trying to "fit in" one day here and there to prepare. Not days like today. Days like today are heartbreaking. Exhausting. I just want to be done. Service planned. Items purchased. Photographer booked. Then, we can live with Adelle. I don't want to waste time, while she is alive, dying inside!

But today, today had to be done. And no mother should ever have to do it. While I was looking at gravestones and picking out burial gowns, Adelle was playing, moving, hiccuping, and kicking. Everything in her was fighting to remind me she was still alive. And like my precious daughter, I too will fight. Fight for her life, her significance, her time. Her life, no matter how short, will matter, spiritually, physically, emotionally. Despite the hard days and grief and sorrow. I will fight. And when I feel unable to gather the strength, I will take a lesson from my Adelle Marie.

Today she is alive, she is happy, she is pain free. She is whole. And I won't borrow grief from tomorrow. I will love her and enjoy her. Today is another day she is alive, and I won't miss it.

Praise you in this Storm

(go to bottom of the blog and pause my blog music before you listen to the Utube video)

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"
and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who you are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away


I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For you are who you are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

The Debut

Here, for the first time, the debut of the ever active, sometimes feisty, and darling Adelle Marie Young. At 23 weeks she has proven herself to be the most active little skinny butt girl to have ever graced this family. She has the gumption of her mother and the body structure of her father. She is feisty like the Crouse side, switching quickly to being shy and reserved like the Young side.

It was a absolute pleasure to be able to be able to peak into her world, watch her move, see her face...to know her. It was so wonderful to see past the abnormalities, and to see her humanity. To see her act just like every baby should. Putting her hands to her face, tugging on her umbilical cord, kicking her legs, snuggling up to mommy, looking at us, and sticking out her tongue. What a privilege to get to participate with her in that.

Here are some of the better pictures.

Profile Picture (with her cord like a necklace)

Her fingers (by her face, her favorite position)

Her skinny legs and feet (little Jason!)


Subtle smile while covering her face

Feisty side-sticking out her tongue (like Mom!)

Too much?

I have been wondering lately how long it takes to completely drain your spouse. Jason is doing everything he can for me, the kids, and the house, that I think he might crack soon.

This pregnancy (even before the 20 week sonogram) has been so different for me. I can't seem to shake that first trimester tiredness. I want to sleep all the time, and if I don't I get a little moody, irritable, and generally difficult to be around...

Jason has been wonderful. He cooks for the boys, cleans up after the boys, plays with them, changes diapers, cleans, grocery shops, comforts me, and then wakes up and does it again. He doesn't complain or need to be asked or prompted. He doesn't seem jealous that I am resting again, and he is working.

I can see it wearing on him. He is getting bored, tired, frustrated, and house-bound crazy. And yet he continues without complaint. I think he is super human sometimes.

But...I am starting to feel so guilty. How long will he have to pick up the slack for me? When will I be able to pull it together and help him more? All this and I leave for my girls vacation on Friday. Then he has 5 days with the boys completely alone. The screeching, the attention, the food, the diapers, the baths, the naps....everything. If I told him this, he would say that he got his chance to go with the guys on his trip too....but it doesn't feel the same. He has already been doing so much, that this just feels like so much more. And what help am I? He gets me drinks and food and tells me to go nap. He asks what he can do for me. And I know, he is growing weary.

Don't you ever have days were you feel like you totally don't deserve your spouse ? I am so thankful for Him. He is my angel, my support, my best friend. But I feel him starting to wane. To grow weary of a life attached to little people without break or adult interaction. Without his house projects or exercise. Without a team of he and I.

So I am asking myself...how long does it take to completely suck the life out of your spouse? I am praying for supernatural strength soon, or I might completely use him up to where he has nothing left anymore.

Prayers

Many of you have been wondering how you can pray for us. We have many things to bring to the Father, and they are changing it seems, daily. But for now, these are the desires of our hearts:

1. Pray that we have as long as possible with Adelle after she is born. Of course, the more time the better. But we are also praying that we will treasure and enjoy every minute, even though it will be less than we want.

2. Pray that we are able to talk with Charlie at the appropriate level about what is going to happen. He needs to know, and yet, we don't want to give him more information than his little head needs. Pray we have the right words at the right time.

3. Pray that we focus on enjoying all the time (including the pregnancy) we have with Adelle. It is tempting to jump straight to the end result, and to focus and plan for that time. But we don't want to live in future grief. It is often a battle, but we want to live in the joy that she is to us now, and celebrate her life, regardless of its length.

4. I have been struggling with getting good, solid, restorative sleep. Pray that I can begin to sleep all the way through the night so I am not as drowsy during the day.

5. Lastly, we are praying for a fast labor and delivery, and if the Lord sees fit, to go into labor without induction. And of course, that Adelle and I will stay healthy throughout the rest of the pregnancy, with little to no complications.

Expecting dinner...got a blessing!

Jason and I went out to dinner tonight with a dear couple that lost their baby days after birth from a genetic disorder (trisomy 18). I think we were expecting it to be a little heavy and very difficult. We had some questions, how they did things, etc. and just wanted to connect with someone who had gone through what we are dealing with (and will deal with).

What a surprise! We went to dinner hesitant and heavy, and left blessed and lifted up. They have such a wonderful perspective of joy and trust. They celebrated little Bella's life, but they also celebrated what God has taught them through their pain. They aren't afraid to say that God has blessed them with joy, not only pain. They gave us hope and perspective, and shared with us a new vision.

They offered us friendship, but also so much more. They were willing to share a very intimate and difficult/joyful experience in their life, to help direct us in our life. It was so refreshing. My spirits feel high, that God has not left us, and isn't just mourning with us...He is asking us to rejoice with him in Adelle's life.

Thank you Christy and Patrick. We love you both. Thank you for trusting us with your hearts and all that God is doing in you. Our lives our rich and blessed because we get to share the Body of Christ with you! This is the REAL church.

Happy 4th of July!