Running Errands

In an attempt to be productive today, I loaded both boys into the car (plus one stroller) and decided to drive around Dallas and get some errands run.

First stop, Batteries Plus. They needed to replace the battery in Jason's watch. It is hard enough to travel between two schools and be on time with a watch that works, let alone with one that is gradually getting slower...

Second stop, Babies R Us. We are going to try the "breathable bumper pads" you put on the crib. Max has taken to shoving his chubby legs between the railing and getting stuck. If we use our regular bumper, he climbs up on the bumper, jams his leg in, and then falls....and hangs. So we took the bumper pad off, and then he puts his foot through and again...gets stuck. We are hoping this mesh, tight bumper pad works. He is too little for a big boy bed! Also picked up wipes, we are always almost out of wipes.

Last stop, Sparkman Hillcrest Funeral home. The caskets at the funeral home we are using are all horrible. They are covered in taffeta, wrinkles, bows, and look like an old cheesy prom dress. So I told Jason I would go look at the ones they have there, take a picture with the camera, and then if he likes it we can have it sent to our funeral home. Wheeled two (now starving and slightly whiny) kids into the home, and the receptionist looks at me like I have two heads when I tell her I want to look at the infant caskets. Finally, someone comes to help her and they show them to me. They have a simple, white casket, with white velvet interior. Beautiful, simple. But, the director says "I have no way to get this to your funeral home." Apparently they don't ship them, or transport them to other funeral homes. OK, my options? Buy it now, and take it with me.

So, after running errands, I have in my trunk: a breathable bumper pad, wipes, a stoller and a coffin. I am driving all over Dallas carrying my daughter's casket.

*Sigh* Things you thought you would never say.

Late Nights

Late nights seem to be the hardest times in life. Does anyone else ever have this experience? It doesn't seem to matter what issue you are dealing with, but at night, it seems overwhelming and exhausting. And yet, it goes round and round in your head, preventing sleep.

Tonight is one of those nights. Money, funeral plans, working extra, sick kids, future plans, dreams...it is all consuming this evening. They seem to build on each other. Because of one, the others all fall out of that calm, predictable spot you put them in. Plans readjust. Control slips away. You feel vulnerable to life, to Satan's attacks. Things that always felt stable, feel utterly unstable and unpredictable. It is amazing isn't, how the mere time of day changes those things?

I learned early in my marriage that most of the big fights happened after 10pm. And we try to avoid any real "heavy" topics that late. I guess it is now time to learn to avoid thinking through major decisions at night too. But it is so hard to turn your brain off. I almost need to get up, right it down, make pro/con lists, create a plan, hash it out. Then, once I have at least organized the info in my mind, then I can try to return to sleep. Otherwise, it just seems to repeat over and over in my head.

Somehow I need to learn to "let it go." But I haven't mastered that yet. I pray over it, and after a couple of minutes, it seems the prayers too quickly turn to making plans. So my attempts to lift it up to the One who is the Master Organizer, merely gets me more worried and frenzied. It is one of those things Christians talk about, but it is hard to materialize, hard to literally understand and do. It is just too easy for me to use "prayer time" as a chance to organize thoughts and go over the details. I need to find a practical way to change my thoughts. Perhaps if I pray scripture, my mind has to stay focused on the words I am reading?

I am not sure, I definitely don't know the answer. I just know on nights like these it is so easy to feel overwhelmed.

Lord, direct my thoughts this evening. Don't let me be distracted by my own worry. Help me focus on You, Your promises, Your nature. Give me peace where there is only concern and fear. Give me rest, when I feel restless. And help me understand what You have for me, where You want me, and ways You wish for me to grow. Change my focus from me to You. That alone should bring some peace!

All That I Can Say, by David Crowder Band

Music has been very difficult, yet important to me in the last couple of months. It says things I cannot, expresses emotions hidden or unexplained. It always brings tears, and yet comforts my heart with truth from my life. Lately I have been playing this song often...


Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop,
Rest here a while

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, thats my everything

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now, i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.

yeah thats my everything [2x]

everything........

Two Edged Sword

We have gotten comments from people lately that go something like this, "At least you have some time to plan for Adelle's death." And in some ways, we agree. But it seems a very sharp, two-edged sword. Either way you look at it, you get sliced.

On one hand, it is wonderful to know what is going to happen, because it reminds us to cherish her. It gives clarity and focus on enjoying every moment we have with her. Every kick is unique and exciting. It gives us time to get maternity pictures done. It made us pursue having 3D and 4D sonograms done so we could peer into her world and see her move and play while she is healthy and strong. It does give us time to find the right burial spot for her, the right funeral home to take care of her little body. It gave us two days to search and find the perfect, gorgeous burial gown. It will give us time to think and pray over her memorial service, and how we want her honored and remembered. It gave us time to get her a precious Bible with her name on it, and to read to her from it. It allows us pour over every detail, making sure it is exactly what we want.

But on the other hand, we have had to pour over every detail. The funeral plans have stretched on for weeks and weeks. We often become paralyzed with indecision because we have time to agonize over every decision, going back and forth often for days at a time until we find the perfect casket, dress, gravestone, bonnet, etc. And with all the joy we are desperately trying to suck out of this pregnancy, of the short life of our daughter, there is always a shadow. At times it weighs down heavy on us, pointing only to the future. And other times it is just a dark presence, slightly darkening every chance we have at joy or excitement. But it is there, always there. It forces us to think of how to respond to strangers or friends as they ask questions. Or how to awkwardly tell them her fate as they begin to gush over how exciting it will be to finally have girl clothes to buy. It puts us in this limbo space of half-grief, knowing full well what is coming, but at the same time not allowing us to fully engage in it.

So, we think of this situation we find ourselves in as somewhat precarious. We are thankful for what it brings us. We are thankful that we have time to plan for her photos, prepare for her birth and be able to have every memento we can to remind us of her later. And yet we often wonder what it would be like if she were to just have delivered, and everything been a surprise. No agonizing for weeks over every plan or moment. To have limited time to just pick a place, service, etc. without the pressure to be perfect. To find pure joy in the pregnancy, without the little nagging thought at the back of your mind to enjoy it, because this is all you will have.

We know we are called to be right here. Right smack dab in the middle of this time. To experience both sides, grief and joy, and to lean on Christ for every moment. But we often find ourselves lost in this confusion, emotions pulling on us from both sides.

Picture Palooza!!

Ok, the long awaited post of pictures from our summer adventures is here!!!! It has been too long in coming because of things like this post or this post. But, as Jason heads back to school (and hasn't taken his computer back yet, so I still get to use a functioning computer), and I try to get back into the swing of life again, I figured I better get it done. So enjoy some pics of all the fun amidst the chaos had this summer. And remember, these are only some of the pictures, adn you can always see more on our picture website, here or on the photos link to your right.
****Warning*** THIS POST IS VERY LONG!!!

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All Girl's Trip to the Mexican Riveria Maya

This trip included my mom, sisters, aunt, and good friend. We did LOTS of laying around at the beach and pool, relaxing, hiking, rapelling, zip-lining, and eating. Adelle had a wonderful time "along for the ride!"

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Texas State Railroad and Trip to Lufkin (to visit the Axelson's)

Trip included a full day on the train, picinics, splash parks, good food, fun with cousins, and time with Tammi and Chris on a fun double date!

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Charlie's 3rd Birthday, the "Tractor Party"

Turing 3 years old and getting a big boy tractor like Daddy's. Plus having the whole family together for food and fun!

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Annual Trip to Burger's Lake

Every year we gather up as many friends and family that are willing to join us for a fun filled day at a spring fed, sandy bottom lake in Ft. Worth. Always fun!

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Trip to the Dallas World Aquarium (with Dan and Nancy)

Great day activity that is out of the sun! Kids loved seeing all the animals and being in the cool "jungle."

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Jason's Guy trip (brother's in law unite!) to Colorado June 2009

Jason, Don, and Chris adventure to the top of 2 14,000 ft. mountains, complete with packed food, no bathrooms, tents, and no wives or children!

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Summer was good, long, exhausting, and fun!

By the way if you are close friends, family, or just care about me at all, don't ever let me get the behind on pictures again!

Happiness

After too long of an absense....happiness has returned.

I have missed you, sweet friend.

Things you learn

This weekend we went to Lufkin, TX to visit my sister and brother-in-law and to ride the famous Texas State Railroad. We had a great time. It is fun that our kids are only months apart, and can enjoy playing with each other. (pictures are coming soon, I promise!) But, in the 3 hour car ride and 2 night stay at someone else's house, we learned some very important things for future trips.

1. Let the pregnant woman drive. 3 hours of turning around to the back seat to discipline, retrieve dropped toys, give snacks, or just answer the "Mommy!" questions, can make her very car sick.

2. White noise machines are priceless. When unable to control environment or noise it is essential to try to remove as many distractions as possible to enable children to fall asleep. $19.99 at Bed, Bath, and Beyond (minus the coupon of course) is totally worth every penny!

3. When at someone else's house, the words "Come here!" to a 3 year old and 16 month old, somehow come out in the translation...."Run away!"

4. Camera monitors are totally cool! After much teasing that no one in their right minds needs a camera monitor, I have seen first hand how fun it is to watch your kids in bed (and how addicting it can be.) I got to watch my boys (who have not shared a room before) play peek-a-boo from their respective beds for at least one hour! Too bad the cameras don't have a record feature...

5. Travel with food...always. Even if you think you will stop, even if it is a short trip. Very often you can stave off the fussiness for 15 minutes with goldfish and fruit snacks. The mess is totally worth the quiet for a few minutes.

6. Do not expect to listen to your own music. Even more, expect that the kids will pick one CD that they want to listen to the entire trip. And don't be surprised if you actually catch yourself singing to the incredibly annoying children's tunes on the 9th time the CD is repeating...

7. If you plan on doing a special event while on vacation (in our case, the 4 hour train ride) bring along Gamma SueSue and PawPaw. The extra set of hands save your life and help entertain the kids when your 3 year old says after only 20 minutes on the 1.5 hour leg of the trip, "I am done Mommy!"

8. Getting a babysitter for all the sleeping children, and having a fun double date is totally worth it! Watching two grown men eat their body weight in Sushi while the women do the same with Marble Slab is priceless!

9. While traveling, the constipated children get more constipated, and the kids that go all the time, get runny. Be prepared!

10. Getting out of town, hanging out with family, doing new things with your kids...is exhausting, frustrating, and gets everyone completely out of the routine. And, despite all those things, it is fun and worth every ounce of energy!

Tired of Tired

I am tired. I am tired of being tired. I am not even sure if it is tiredness anymore. Perhaps it is exhaustion, weariness, grief, apathy, laziness, having 2 young kids, working nights, being pregnant, being anemic. I don't know. But I am tired of it.

I don't know the last time I made a meal. Not just dinner. I mean sandwiches, breakfast, anything. I haven't cleaned in ages. I haven't organized, cleared, picked-up...participated, in anything that isn't forced. (IE. work) Work has even suffered. I have little motivation to go, even though we need the money for all the upcoming expenses of birth/funeral. Jason is a champ, he has stepped in and done everything I am not. He is doing the job of 3 people, and I can tell, despite his attempts to serve, he is growing weary. And I am too. I am frustrated with myself! What a horrible combination, right? No motivation to do anything, and guilt and frustration for doing nothing.

I feel guilty for not being more scheduled, energized, motivated...basically...useful. I guess that is it. I feel useless. And instead of finding some strength in me to fight that, I give into it. Sit on the couch with the computer and TV and just check-out. And then I feel so guilty for doing it.

I am hoping that with Jason going to school soon, I will be forced to move. To participate. To be a useful mom and wife again. I feel behind. Bills are barely paid on time. Every chore done is minimal. I haven't even blogged in weeks (and blogging is such a huge pleasure and release for me.) I am behind on pictures, I haven't posted Charlie's wonderful birthday pics or videos. I haven't kept up with friends well, read books, or scrap booked. The more I feel behind and overwhelmed, the harder it is to get started.

My midwife wants blood work to make sure the tiredness isn't from being anemic. I am not convinced. It feels more deep rooted. Not sure if it is the way the grief has chosen to raise its head, or if I am just moping, feeling sorry for myself. But I know something needs to change, soon. I don' t know how to handle it anymore. The frustration and guilt are eating me alive. I apologize constantly to myself, my kids, my husband, my friends. I just don't know why I am like this. I feel guilty that Jason is a full time dad, wife, husband, home repair man, and motivator on his summer vacation. He probably is thinking teaching 200 Jr. Highers is sounding better and better!

Sorry to be down tonight. The frustration is high today. Today seemed like a wash. I didn't get anything done at all, and I had high hopes of turning this around today. Some days seem better than others. Today both Jason and I were frustrated. Bored. Tired. And maybe we fed off each other. I know I am usually the instigator. So much of my energy comes from accomplishment. It always has. The more I get done, the better I feel. So it makes sense that the cycle I am stuck in right now has been so frustrating for me.

I am working on finding strength, energy, and motivation from an Infinite Source. But so far, have not been doing well. My prayers are as weak as my drive. But I know He gives to those who ask. So I am standing, in all my weakness, and praying for His strength, and hoping He will give abundantly.