Survival techniques

For the last 3 months (OK, 7) I feel like I have been in survival mode in dealing with my children. Heck, I have two boys 3 and under, I live in survival mode! And most of the time, I wouldn't have it any other way. But the days get busy and overwhelming quickly around here!

So I wanted to share some of the fabulous things people have told me to help me get through dealing with multiple little people in the house. They are great little tips that make everyday tasks easier. Most of these fun ideas are from the coolest and most competent Mom's in my life. And I love being able to mooch off their brilliant minds. Hopefully you can too!

1. Color Coding. I am a BIG fan of this! At ages 2 and 3, my boys are all about whatever is "mine!" In fact, it is the most common word in my day. Color coding helps alleviate some of this stress for me. In fact, even the boys love it. They love knowing who's cup is who's, and having something that I DO NOT want them to share! And the nurse in me hopes it helps keep the germ-sharing-factor down too. My boys are so entrenched in this system that if I accidentally hand them the wrong cup, all hell breaks loose. Charlie=blue, Max=green. It goes beyond cups to bags, socks, toys, hats, pajamas, etc. I am forever grateful to my Mom for this system. I still remember my color from my childhood.

2. Hard to get into lids. This is a new one for us, and one of my new favorites! A very wise woman with 10 children told me recently to put all problem toys in containers with lids that are hard to get open. I know, seems simple. But this ensures that the kids have to come to me to help them get the kid off, and I now know ahead of time that this toy is about to be released into my household. I quickly put all crayons, play dough, and paint into said containers and have saved myself a lot of headaches!

3. Rotating toys. I don't know about you, but no matter how hard I try, my kids have WAY too many toys. So, with some great advice, we pack up half the toys every 6 months and put them into a closed closet. Then *poof,* every 6 months we rotate toys and the kids are ecstatic to have new toys again! Plus, I get to control the amount of toys that are readily accessible. Win, win!

4. Pizza cutter. With small kids, this is my new best friend. I use it to cut pancakes, sandwiches, toast...everything! It works perfect for the classic peanut butter and jelly (or in our house, peanut butter and Nutella!) That age where everything has to be in tiny pieces is a huge pain, and with multiple kids there, it is SOOO much faster to use a pizza cutter. This one scores BIG points for time saving.

5. Monogrammed towels. I paid way too much for mine because I am not handy with a sewing machine at all, but I love the result. Each kid, their own towel, one less argument for me. Yup, you left your towel on the floor, your name gives it away. No more wondering who is guilty. Plus, I do them all in white, so they can be bleached, and go with every decoration or color scheme.

6. Play room. Granted some people can't add a whole room, but I love having toys in a separate room from everywhere else. It keeps the living room (mostly) picked up, and keeps the bedrooms strictly for sleeping. You are allowed limited (if any) toys in your room at night. Mommy doesn't want you playing all night long. Bed is for sleeping. Plus, with all the toys in the playroom, if the mess is stressing me out, I can just close the door.

7. Grocery cart etiquette. Park the car. Get out, lock it behind you. Go get a cart from the nearest outdoor cart caddy. Bring the cart to the car. Unlock. Get out the littlest one and put them in the buckled seat in the cart. Save the most mobile kid for last. Get them out and walk inside. Buy groceries. Then reverse the process. Most mobile child to the car seat first. Unload groceries into the back. Lock car. Take littlest to the cart caddy, and deposit cart. Carry smallest to the car, unlock and put little one in the car seat. This is the ONLY way I can even get into the store without chasing after people in the parking lot.

8. Be car ready. Keep a stroller (possibly a small double stroller) in the car at all times. You never know when you will need it. Also keep multiple diapers, wipes, cups, and some clothes. This allows us to be way more flexible, and ready for any diaper disaster. It has allowed us to spontaneously go out to dinner after running errands!

9. Spray bottle. OK, I know it sounds like a case for CPS, but I will confess it here, to all you blog mama's. I am the nap Nazi. (borrowed title from my friend!) I have my kids in bed by 7:30 and naps are no laughing matter. It keeps the kids under control, Mommy sane, and Mommy and Daddy married. And I HATE kids falling asleep in the car! It totally ruins their real naps and thus destroys the rest of our day. So, on the advice of a very dear, wise friend, I keep a spray bottle in my car. One of my kids looks like they are about to bite the dust, one good spray to the face keeps them up. Works like a charm.

10. Brush teeth in the tub. Pretty easy, but eliminates a step and keeps clean up to a minimum. Plus, they can't escape!

And lastly, for good measure...

11. The one finger rule. In the store, you are allowed to touch anything you want, with ONE finger. And with Charlie, we had to modify slightly....you can touch gently with one finger! This allows them the freedom they want without them picking up every item and throwing it on the floor.

OK Mommies, now it is your turn. Even if you are a lurker, and have never commented before, take a step of faith! Leave a comment. Tell us your tried and true Mom tips! I love gleaning wisdom from you all. Most of what I listed here I lifted from someone else. So join in and tell us. What do you do with your kids that makes life easier?

The Debate

Hey everyone out there in blog world (and in my real life too!). If you read my blog you might have noticed after the last post, that a debate seemed to break out in the comment section about needing medication during periods of difficulty and depression. I wanted to make a couple of comments on all of that.

First of all, I want to say that I am very comfortable with people leaving comments on my blog that I don't necessarily agree with! Everyone is coming from a different background and perspective, and I don't think we all need to agree. So please continue to leave comments on your thoughts (without being disrespectful of others), even if they are different from everyone else's! Sometimes I actually enjoy the debate! :0)

Secondly, let me first give a little perspective on my last post. I was having a really bad day and chose to vent this out on my blog. We have been put in some hard places lately, and I will be the first to admit I don't always handle this with the grace I ought to!

But, I do want to let everyone know who doesn't get to see me in real life, that my blogs are merely one aspect of my life. If all you did was read my blogs, I bet you would think I was in a very dark, scary place right now. But what you don't see is just as important. You don't see me run outside and swing with my boys, cuddle with my hubby in bed and watch episodes of The Office until we are crying from laughing, go to work and enjoy encouraging and helping other pregnant women, go to church and worship with my True family, go out to dinner and laugh with friends, eat dinners with my large, wonderful family, and pray with my husband for guidance and the ability to praise God on the road we are walking. Perhaps I need to do a better job of blogging this side as well. But often times it is easier to use this "online journal" as a place to bear the harder and more painful parts of my soul. So I do apologize to those who seem legitimately worried for me. I appreciate your love and concern for me.

And lastly... I do not, and have never thought that someone who does need to take medication for depression or other mental illnesses is weak. On the contrary. Do you know that my husband has OCD? That he has been medicated for this for the entirety of our marriage? That he finds it very helpful in combating depression, exhaustion, and anxiety caused by this disorder? And that I am the main champion of his continuing to take meds? That he (and both of us) have seen a counselor off and on since we were married to help us learn to deal with all the issues this disorder brings? And let me tell you, my husband is one of the strongest people I know!

That being said, there are often times I have considered seeking some counseling or someone to talk to, or even the help of medication. (Trust me, as a nurse I know there are times that meds are the best option!) One of the things that holds me back is that I feel I have been given a wonderful support system to vent to, learn from, pray with, and seek counsel from. I have family, friends, blogging mommies, and a couple of families who have reached out to us to share a similar journey in their lives and who give us strength and encouragement to continue walking our journey. And more than any of that, I have God's Word's of love and healing to me. And if I ever feel like that is not enough, I will go talk to someone. No shame in that at all. It doesn't mean I (or others) are weak, just being smart and getting help that is available.

God is good, even when I am angry, sad, depressed, and overwhelmed with life's ups and downs. He never leaves me stranded. And as I continue on this journey, I will follow His lead and pursue the healing He has for me.

In the mean time please keep reading, commenting, and blessing me in all the ways you have been. I am thankful for the role God has for each of you in my life!

At My Limit

I am exhausted. I feel I have completely maxed out my coping mechanisms. I feel stagnant. I feel filled up with just about everything I can handle right now. I feel strained, pushed to my limit. I just want to scream "Enough already?!"

I am sure you have gathered that from my previous posts. It is just like David said in Psalms. I feel attacked from every side: physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially. My spirit feels crushed. I feel like if one more thing negative happens in my life I will be completely beaten down. I feel depleted of energy or stamina to be able to handle what I have, let alone anymore.

And whatever coping mechanisms I have (good and bad) feel all used up. Perhaps that explains why every small bothersome thing (like my kids acting whiny) just sends me over the edge. Everything feels like the last straw. If God gives us only what we can handle, I feel like I am at my limit. (although I have NO desire to challenge that at this time, or see that I can indeed handle more...) I have had my fill, thank you very much!

I am sorry this is so negative...but I feel negative. I feel I have the energy to get up and go through each day and do what I need to do. But I not longer feel like I do it with any sort of grace or merit.

And quite frankly, I am sick of it. I am sick of it all. Just, as I am sure you are sick of hearing it. I am tired of telling everyone my woes and struggles. It sounds so repetitive. Even I hear it and think "snap out of it!" I can only imagine what others are thinking! I am sure they are just waiting to hear one more thing that Mary is dealing with, one more struggle, one more exhausting drama.

I just long for a break. Something to work out perfectly, to be easy, or to be unexpectedly pleasant.

In the mean time, I teeter at the edge of feeling completely unable to handle one more negative event in my life. The only thing I seem to have any energy for is to become suddenly, and overly angry at any given moment...

Flashbacks From War

I have found myself in a wierd stage of grief lately. Not really sure what to make of it. Of course, according to all those fancy grief books it is perfectly normal, but it is very unnerving for me.

It is a place where grief seems to hit me in spurts. No longer do I cry myself to sleep every night, or obsess over every detail, or lounge in deep depression.

Instead, life has forced me to move forword, to take care of my kids, to go back to work, to just continue. So I find myself walking along, doing something very common and everyday for me, and then BAM, it hits me.

I usually have no warning. And my reactions are all over the board...but rarely lack in intensity. I can be out in public, home, work...wherever! Something I see reminds me of some detail, and I find myself completely caught up in that moment. And I am always shocked at how deep those feelings are and how they surface so quickly.

Let me give you some examples.

I had a patient at work that required that I listen to her lung sounds every hour. I was getting frustrated with the hospital stethoscope, so I went to my locker to get my nice one. And it was missing. I couldn't for the life of me remember where it was. (I have always kept it at work). I borrow my friends instead and go into the patients room to listen. Mid-listen I remember where my stethoscope is. It is on my bedroom dresser, where I left it 3 months ago. I can't bring myself to move it.

And immediately I am taken back to the exact moment I put my stethoscope on Adelle's chest, and hear nothing. No heart beat, no respiratory sounds. It was hollow. Empty. Instead, all I could hear was my own heart beat pounding in my ears. She had finally given up.

And I just lost it. Luckily my patient was still asleep, and I quickly left the room and collapsed into tears. I was able to compose myself after 5 or 10 minutes, but was rather shocked at what had transpired. I was shocked at my reaction, and how vividly and quickly the memory returned. Especially since I have felt like the details are starting to get foggy now. Really, a stethoscope? On an a live, adult patient? That triggered....this?

And I have other situations.

A funeral procession drives by and I feel lonely and yet strangely connected to the family driving past.

I hear of how a dying baby was treated at work and I am immediately, hysterically angry, desperate to educate all those nurses that have no idea how awful their actions really are.

I see a birthday balloon similar to the one she got from a friend on her 3 day birthday and I am a mess. A song at church mentions walking through trials and I am suddenly crying.

I hold a little 4 pound baby girl at work, and all I can think of is how much her little body looks exactly like Adelle's, but how different an outcome this family is going to have with their daughter. How fun it will be for them to buy her premie clothes and listen to her little sounds as she sleeps. To not feel desperate to memorize every detail of her because they know they won't have her long.

Jason tells me of a Mom that has called him to complain about the grade her child is making, and all I want to do it call that lady up and tell her that at least her son is alive to make that B in art! How dare she call a Teacher who has just lost his daughter and moan over the fact that her perfectly healthy child is too lazy to make an A in art class!

The funeral home throws away Adelle's Christmas Tree since it wasn't in an "approved container or vase" and all I want to do is to go down there and yell as loud as possible at the people who took away yet another thing I have to remember my daughter by.

And suddenly everything in my life feels like it is crashing down around me. This one tiny event or trigger takes down every good thing with it. And I feel crushed by all the negative things in this world.

I know it is part of the process. My brain has to learn how to assimilate these emotions and memories into my everyday life. I have to learn to grieve and praise at the same time. I have to tolerate brokenness amidst everyday, joyful life. But these moments feel like flashbacks from war. And I hate that I can't predict when or how they happen. One minute I am just fine, and the next I am a total wreck. And I hate how they tend to color the rest of my day. Anger, pain, fear...just sneak up on me. And I feel helpless and at their mercy.

Name in Lights

Isn't this beautiful? Another BLM started doing this after her daughter died to honor other little ones who left this earth too soon. I love it. What an honor to see my daughters name, to know she was alive, important, and worthy of honor.

Visit Franchesca at her Hope Collage page here or her personal blog here. Thank you Franchesca, it is so beautiful!

Walk

"My God, my God, why have you foresaken me?

Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?

O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,

by night, and am not silent.

Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to help.

I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint.

My heart has turned to wax; it has melted away within me.

My strength is dried up, and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;

you lay me in the dust of death." Psalm 22

Isn't it nice to know that on those days when you feel overwhelmed, attacked, disheartened and broken, that you were not the first? That feeling so closed in by the brokeness of this world, the inability to put one foot in front of the other, or find any more additional strength, is not just your feeling alone?

Today is a day I feel poured out, dried up, out of joint, and there is no one to help. David knew. He understood. He felt pursued by the enemy, by misfortune, by sin, by everyone. He felt defeated, alone, misunderstood, and unjustly punished. His heart cried out like mine has, "Isn't this enough already Lord? Haven't I been taught enough, tested enough, forced to walk through enough? Can I just get a break?"

But God asked of David the same thing He has asked of me. Walk. When you can do nothing else, when your strength has run dry, just walk the road I have for you. It won't feel glorious, it won't necessarily bring great relief, but it is the road I have for you. One foot in front of the other, in simple, humble, small obedience. Walk. And I will walk beside you.

So one day, you will look up from the path and see more than just the ground in front of you. More than just the next step. You will see where you have been, where I have led you, what I have taught you, and the direction I will take you.

"I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27

3 Months

I can't believe it has been three months since I held my daughter. Some days, when I want to hold her so bad, it feels like it has been forever. Other days, I still think I can catch the faint smell her after-bath lotion. Some days she still has overwhelming presence in my heart and thoughts, and other days, she feels like a mere wisp of smoke I can't catch or pin down.

Today, on my daughters 3 month birthday, I got a gift from a dear friend. Someone who touched me in a way she could only imagine. She approached me on Sunday and said, "I know Adelle's 3 month birthday is Tuesday, would you like to go get some coffee and talk about her, or let me watch the boys so you can go visit her and have some time with her?" It was so special! I think the most precious thing was that she remembered! In her busy life and own family, she took the time to remember my daughter would be 3 months old today! That alone was a priceless gift. But then I was able to sit down, and chat with a friend about my daughter! About her birth, about what I miss, about what she would be doing at this age. It was wonderful. And then she watched Max so I could visit my daughter, bring her flowers, and spend time (just mommy and daughter) at her grave. I can't express how special that was for me.

This visit gave me the courage to allow myself to just "go there" today. I wanted to remember and dream. I often allow myself to look at pictures, hold her dress, or relive the events of her birth. But I don't often allow myself to imagine her, or dream of her as what she would be today. It is too hard, too emotional, and quite frankly, it takes some down time that I often can't find. But today, as I held the soft pink dress my daughter wore, I imagined how my life could have been different.

At 3 months old, I bet Adelle would be rolling over. She would start to finally be falling into a 3 nap a day schedule. If she is like the boys, she would begin that lovely "drooling" stage where everyone swears they are teething...but we know better. She might be only feeding once or twice in the middle of the night, and I bet we would have moved her into her crib and out of the bassinet. That means Charlie and Max would be sharing a room. She would also be holding her head up much better, and grabbing for toys and objects.

And I love this age, because it is so easy to put her in the Bumbo and let her be a part of watching the meals and cooking. It is like they see a whole new world being up high! Jason remembered she would probably still be sleeping soundly in the sling through church, while we sit in the back row in case we need to escape. We would have 3 car seats side-by-side in the Xterra, with no more room for anyone else! I wonder if I would have figured out what order to get everyone out? Adelle first, and into the sling, then Charlie, then Max? Would I have been brave enough to go to the grocery store with all three yet? Where would I put them all, Adelle in the sling, Max in the seat, and Charlie in the back of the cart? Where would I have put the groceries?

Would she be a Daddy's girl? Jason always has such a way with our kids when they are infants. He swaddles like no one else, and knows the exact position to put them in to calm them. I bet she would be no different, gravitating towards her Dad for comfort and calm.

I would have put Max in Mother's Day Out this semester, so I could have some Adelle and Mommy time. It would have been so sweet, napping with her, rocking her, holding her without distraction or competition. I bet she would be smiling and responding to us. Maybe she would even be cooing and laughing.

Oh I am missing that sweet girl! A sweet, cuddly girl to love on. One completely dependent on me, attached to me, in love with me.

Instead, I can only dream, and hope that I will have eternity for all these dreams to come true.

Happy Heavenly 3 month Birthday Adelle. I love you so much, and have spent the whole day thinking of you and missing you. I can't wait to hold you again, and kiss that sweet nose. What a wonderful way to spend eternity, holding my baby girl!
~Mommy

Yahweh Provides

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries hosted by Kelly at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child, who gather together each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.


For this month's Walking With You we are praising God no matter our circumstances. We can pick an attribute to praise Him for or write something of our own.

There are so many things I am thankful for in the nature of God as I have walked this journey. But I will mention one that has been on my heart lately.

Provider.

From the day we got the diagnosis, until today, and until I join my daughter, I can confidently say that God will provide for me. He may not give me the things I want, or even the things I think I need, but He will be faithful to provide my greatest needs for me. What do I want? My daughter back. What does He provide: comfort, peace, Heaven (so I can spend all eternity with her), friends to cry and laugh with, family who loved us when we were and are unlovable and weighed down with grief, a body of believers to encourage us, a blogging community of godly women who share in my grief and point me towards truth, His Word that shows me how to participate in grief and praise simultaneously, music that touches my heart and heals me, a Husband who holds me up when I can't think I can make it any longer, my children who remind me that life is precious and meant to be enjoyed, a huge community of people who saw our need and responded overwhelmingly with food, money, babysitting, prayers, encouragement, letters, and support, and He provided all the little details. He chose the time, the place, the quick delivery, the time with Adelle, the ability to take her home, the visitors who came and held her and loved her, the 3-day-old birthday that was thrown for her, the funeral home that dealt with us with mercy and sympathy, her grave site that is just across the street from us so we can visit her easily, the funeral where God's saving grace and open grieving were combined to show God's glory, and the following weeks where we felt held up by the prayers and encouragement of such a large group of people.

I can't claim to understand why God saw this plan was better for us than just giving us a healthy little girl. I don't even want to theorize about it. All I know is He chooses for us what is best for us. And in the plan He laid out for us, He was faithful to provide for our needs. It would be impossible for us to ignore His outpouring of provision. So even through tear-stained eyes, and a heart that still aches, I can praise a God who has not left me to fend for myself. On the contrary, He has drawn near, sat next to us, wept with us, and given us things we never even thought to ask for.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21

Special Things

This Christmas was really good for us, and also hard. We are blessed with so many people who love us and family to enjoy the season with. But it was hard not to be able to have Adelle with us. We definitely missed her, and our family felt incomplete.

One thing we have learned through this grief process that surprised us, was how hurtful it is when people forget her. I know for most it is unintentional, because others do not think of her as much as we do. But we have also learned that many fear speaking of her. They don't know how to mention her, when to mention her, if it will be difficult for us, etc. So, they chose to not to. And it has the opposite effect on us that the person wishes. Instead of sparing us extra hurt, it adds to it. Because then we grieve that not only is she gone, she is apparently forgotten as well. When people ask us what they can do to help, I try to tell people to allow me to talk about her, and you can ask directly about her too! I want so badly to talk of her, and remember her. Do not be afraid to join with me!

Don't just mention her, but speak her name! There is some awesome power in being able to speak the name of the one you love that you have lost, engage in their memory, and talk about how you miss them. It brings them importance. It gives their life meaning. It reminds us that, no matter how short, they lived! And it brings great healing to those who miss her.

This Christmas was a mix of both experiences for us. We definitely had events and gatherings were, when we were done, we realized no one brought her up...not even once. Our first daughter was missing from what would have been her first Christmas, and no one even mentioned her name. And that was so painful, especially for me. It stings.

And yet, others worked so hard to give her a special moment in our celebration. And for those people we are so very grateful. That has helped us heal, mourn, and celebrate this season with grace and authenticity.

I wanted to share with you some of the wonderful, special things we got this year to help us remember and love Adelle. Each one holds so much meaning for us.

First of all, this is the ornament Jason and I bought for Adelle. We love it! I love that this sweet baby is sleeping so peacefully in the arms of an Angel. It was everything I was looking for, especially since it says "Baby's First Christmas."

This ornament was kind of an "impulse buy" for us. We saw this beautifully, girly ornament and thought of Adelle. So we bought 3, and put her pictures in them. The other two we gave to her grandparents to put on their trees. It makes me feel good that she won't be missing out on the "homemade" ornaments that our other kids will make and give to grandparents over the years.

These two plates were gifts to us from a sweet family. They own a store called 4-Home, near the Galleria, and also have a booth at Canton's First Monday Trade Days. We found them about 4 years ago in Canton, and have since decorated most of our house with their beautiful items! Just after we fell in love with them, we found out they attend church and are good friends with Jason's parents! (small world!) To tell us they were praying for us during the pregnancy, they gave us the white plate on the left, with Jeremiah 29:11 on it. And then they blessed us with this Christmas plate on the right to remind us they were thinking of us over the holidays. Both items are beautiful and remind us how loved we have been in our grief. The white plate has found a permanent home over our piano and sits nicely on one of their mantels (a gift from my mother-in-law) and is affectionately known as "Adelle's corner."

This ornament was a gift from another baby loss mama, Jess. I love the picture of Jesus laughing with my baby! And what an awesome reminder that One Day in Heaven is better than thousands elsewhere. What a precious gift she made for me, and I treasure it!

This precious ornament was a gift from my sister Tammi. It reminds me of my favorite way we connected with Adelle while she was alive...her strong grip. And she had her name engraved on the bottom and on the back it says "Mothers hold their children's hands for a moment, their hearts forever." It is perfect, and I am so excited to add it to Adelle's ornament collection.

This sweet angel is from Jessica, one of my closest friends and fellow L & D night shift nurse. One of my favorite things about it is how her eyes are closed, like she is at peace. And of course, the eyelashes make it so girly! :)

This frame was a gift from my in laws and it has Adelle Marie engraved on the bottom. It is so beautiful. My father in law even used calligraphy to write out the poem "There is a bridge of memories, from earth to Heaven above, It keeps our dear ones near us- it's the bridge that we call love."

This quilt rack is one of my favorite gifts this year! My sister Heidi was so thoughtful to get it for me. It lives in the corner of my room, and holds the quilts people made for Adelle. I love how it adds so much PINK to our house!

These special gestures and gifts are all so important to us. They allow us to incorporate Adelle into our home, our traditions, and our memories. Thank you so much to all of you for giving us another piece of her, another thing to treasure. It gave her a presence in our holiday. And that was something we will never forget!

Reflections

As the new year starts, I find myself in the mood for reflection.

As I think about the last year, and the journey we walked, I am left with two very distinct impressions: great joy and provision, and deep overwhelming sadness. And although these emotions seem polar opposites for most, they seem very closely knit for our family.

Since June 22nd, when we saw the sonographer hesitate, look again, stop talking, and go get the doctor, we have known the marriage of joy and pain. On every step of this path, they have followed us. When we felt the height of joy knowing we were having a girl, we knew the depth of sorrow that she would never have a first birthday. When we celebrated each kick, roll, and movement, we were keenly aware that she would never run or play. When we were overwhelmed by God's wonderful mercy to give us 59 glorious hours watching Adelle breathe, move, and live in our arms, we wept for the lifetime we would miss. You see, for us, the joy cannot be separated from the sorrow. And the sorrow is never empty or bleak, but involves the greatest mercy and love we have known.

Perhaps this is an odd joining of emotions, and looks ostrange as others watch us walk this road. But the more we engage in these emotions, God has been teaching us something.

Christianity is the ultimate joining of sorrow and pain! How can we have eternal life, but through death? How can we know the love of Our Father but through the suffering of His Son? How will we ever know the height of the grace we have been given, without knowing the depth of our own depravity and sin?

And so, again, sweet Adelle has given us a priceless gift. She has reminded us to never run from sorrow or pain, for without it, we can never know true joy. I don't think I understood or grasped how broken this world was before Adelle. And I think I was even afraid to say out loud how much this world can hurt. I thought you showed you were a strong Christian by telling everyone about the joy and victory in Christ. That you always had to have the right answer for everyone hurting, the perfect verse that brought encouragement and covered up the pain. One that forced us to concentrate on the good God will bring, and not on our current brokenness.

I have learned differently now. To ignore the pain, the sorrow, the brokenness of our world is to cheapen our faith. It is only because of our pain that we even need faith! So I no longer hide from those hurting, wondering what to say to encourage them. It is not un-Christian to just say "You are right, this world is not fair, it stinks, it hurts. It is broken and painful. I am so sorry. I hurt with you. Thank goodness it is not the end."

This was something we are amazed we learned as we thought about 2009. What a precious lesson! But God also remined us of one other thing, as we re-walked our path last year. As we talked about 2009, and prayed over plans and goals for 2010, we were reminded of God's sovereign plans for us. And we were awestruck again at how God is never caught off guard. Last year, in January of 2009, just like this we did this week, Jason and I held our Annual Young Family Business Meeting. It has been a tradition for us for years now, and we love getting together at the beginning of each year and praying over the goals and plans for our family for the next year. Last year, for the first time, we decided we would chose a verse to guide our family for the year. We wanted it to be something we felt we needed to learn better so we could teach our kids. And apparently God knew exactly what we needed. He knew, in January, when we didn't even know we were pregnant, what the next year held for us. He knew the depth of sorrow and pain, and He knew how much we would need joy. And in His great mercy he laid on our hearts a verse. A verse that even today, makes my heart stop for a second, and gives me goosebumps. God is never surprised. He knows what we need before we ask. He has laid out His plans for us before the beginning of the world. And He knew. Yes, He knew.

1 Thes. 5:16-18

"Rejoice always; pray continually; be thankful in all circumstances,

for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."